Healing is a process, not a destination. Whether it's physical, emotional, or mental, a wound never goes away completely.
You think you are ok, and then suddenly a tailbone injury from childhood shows its face while you're giving birth to your first child, and leaves you in pain for 8 weeks!
Or maybe it's something less dramatic, but you get the point.
Our losses and pains never really leave us, they remain inside of us and influence us. I don't think that means that we have no control on who we become, because what seperates "definition" from "influence", is the word "framing".
We don't choose the pain, but there comes a point where we can choose the lens, the angle, the light and the vantage point through which we see things.
Out With The Old
Today, I had some energy and decided to clean out my bathroom cupboards. It was long overdue!
What was intended as a simple cleaning task, turned into more of a metaphor and a therapeutic exercise of what I am experiencing at the moment.
As I threw out old bottles of lotion and makeup, I thought about how this act mirrored my experience with hysterectomy and cancer.
I had to get rid of it because it was no longer serving me and it needed to leave “my house”, the one my soul inhabits.
The very thing that twice brought joy to my life and made me a mother, was now threatening the very lives it brought joy to.
It was time to let it go.
As I packed away boxes of tampons and pads to give to my sister and cousins, the reality of no longer having a womb and the potential of growing life once more struck me deeply.
Now that my cupboards are empty, although striking at first, I reminded myself they were not truly empty.
Just like the womb I once had, my empty cupboards, and my body and life without the womb, are not really empty, they are full of space, of potential, of opportunity to fill them with the New: New memories. New experiences.
I can't deny that I will always feel some sadness from this loss, but I am glad that I am now more able to say “good riddance!”
I am NOT empty.
No, I am full of hope and joy because getting rid of the craddle of life itself, extended my life so that I can continue living it with the ones it did provide!
Sometimes, to make room for better things, we need the empty and the space it provides.
The Lessons Learned
Everything, all of it, it's all about the vantage points. It's the one decision no one can make for us, or take from us.
It is ours to decide.
What we take or leave from a situation, and what we choose to learn, to do, and to build on, these choices can seem trivial but really they will define how our pain or loss will influence us, and shape us.
The pain, and the the loss itself, is not sentient or conscious. It can't act or choose, but we can. Which is why I stand by my belief that pain doesn't define us, it only influences us. We are the only ones that get to decide how we define ourselves.
That messed up tailbone I mentioned earlier? It influenced me to discover and experience osteopathy! Would I have preferred never having the tailbone issue? Of course! But, the cards I was dealt said otherwise. Am I glad I met my osteopath? Heck, yeah! She's a godsend.
So yes, to me, life is all about the vantage points you choose in the present moment. And the great thing about life is that since it just a series of present moments, if you pick the wrong vantage point in this moment, it's OK, you can make the shift in the next one.
You decide.
Thanks for reading,
Alvina
OC Warrior Queen
